Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Modest Proposal

From The Hill:

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee called for hearings on the mounting piracy threat as the fate of an American cargo-ship captain remained in limbo Thursday.

"These acts of piracy off of Somalia’s coastline may seem surreal, but they’re all too real and a thorough policy debate is long overdue," said Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) in a statement.

Let me help you a little with this one, Lurch. Instead of spending several days and untold numbers of taxpayer dollars windbagging about how pirates are bad, why not just release the following statement:

"Dear Pirates: You're lawless scum, and we're going to kill you. Sincerely, the United States Navy."

You're welcome.


  1. But Will, (said with obvious sarcasm),

    The U.N. has never released a definitive statement concerning their collective defined response to piracy on the high seas. We should defer to the coastal territory in which the alleged infraction has occurred and submit a statement of grievance to their government. I mean, to fire on a pirate vessel would be ... "an act of piracy" in itself, and we would be severely criticized by all the nations of the universe.


    Phooey! Que up Captain Picard: "Fire all Photon torpedoes at rogue vessel!"

    "Sir, rogue vessel has been sunk."

    "Well done, mission accomplished. Set new course coordinates for Iran. Make it so!"

  2. Picard?!?

    Damn kids. Picard would negotiate. KIRK would beam down and beat the crap out of the pirates with his bare hands...

  3. I think you've overlooked Deep Space 9 in all of this. The intergalactic UN mission. Er... never mind..

  4. I would suggest that every few days for about three months that the AC-130 gunship fly the Somalian coastline and hit whatever they feel like hitting. You know, wherever you could keep a stupid little motorboat or dingy.