Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Modest Proposal


From The Hill:

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee called for hearings on the mounting piracy threat as the fate of an American cargo-ship captain remained in limbo Thursday.

"These acts of piracy off of Somalia’s coastline may seem surreal, but they’re all too real and a thorough policy debate is long overdue," said Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) in a statement.

Let me help you a little with this one, Lurch. Instead of spending several days and untold numbers of taxpayer dollars windbagging about how pirates are bad, why not just release the following statement:

"Dear Pirates: You're lawless scum, and we're going to kill you. Sincerely, the United States Navy."

You're welcome.

4 comments:

  1. But Will, (said with obvious sarcasm),

    The U.N. has never released a definitive statement concerning their collective defined response to piracy on the high seas. We should defer to the coastal territory in which the alleged infraction has occurred and submit a statement of grievance to their government. I mean, to fire on a pirate vessel would be ... "an act of piracy" in itself, and we would be severely criticized by all the nations of the universe.

    SCRIPT RE-WRITE:

    Phooey! Que up Captain Picard: "Fire all Photon torpedoes at rogue vessel!"

    "Sir, rogue vessel has been sunk."

    "Well done, mission accomplished. Set new course coordinates for Iran. Make it so!"

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  2. Picard?!?

    Damn kids. Picard would negotiate. KIRK would beam down and beat the crap out of the pirates with his bare hands...

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  3. I think you've overlooked Deep Space 9 in all of this. The intergalactic UN mission. Er... never mind..

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  4. I would suggest that every few days for about three months that the AC-130 gunship fly the Somalian coastline and hit whatever they feel like hitting. You know, wherever you could keep a stupid little motorboat or dingy.

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